deep, deep thoughts……

I haven’t posted a “real” blog in awhile.  The cord that connects the camera to the computer has taken a vacation and decided it likes it better in that hot spot.  Believe me though, the posts are collecting and one day you will come here and be onslaughted by them.  for now, you just have to deal with my wandering thoughts.

 

I just woke up from a long, warm, snuggly nap with this guy right here. Heaven. Except for the fact that I was awoken by the acrid smell of something burning and the sound of absolute silence where there should be the loud voices of the 3, 4 and 8 year old.  UH oh.. I lay there praying for noise so that I am reassured all is ok and I can snuggle in closer… No such luck.

Upon coming down the stairs I find an empty house with an empty bag of Jeenie-O turkey bacon (the big costco kind that was full when I started said nap) and a very satisfied yet slightly guilty looking dog.  The red light indicates their is still a warm surface on the stove and the black crud in my good pan indicates that said 8 year old was attempting to make bacon, left it on the counter and said dog hit the Jack pot.

Still no children.  Then I hear their faint laughter and discover them in the mud pit of our back yard playing in the rain, covered with mud.  I convince myself it could be a lot worse.

children strip naked in front of the door and go to enjoy a bath.  I blend a quick smoothy and then spend twenty minutes watching k throw a ball, look around as if trying to find someone to get it for him, sigh in exasperation (I am not kidding!)  then crawl to get the ball only to do it again.  Pure entertainment.

I don’t feel good and know that I should be cleaning instead of wasting time doing nothing.  But laziness gives in and that’s where I stumble across a blog from one of my “ciber” friends.  She is angry, yes… angry and a whole host of other feelings combined, that she can’t be a stay at home mom at this time.   And as she throws in my face (in a loving way) how lucky, how fortunate, I am. I begin to cry.

I have never HAD to work. there have been times where I have worked, they were usually short lived. Matt would prefer it if I had never worked outside the home and I am keenly aware of his hidden jealousy over the fact that I get to stay with our children while he has to work, but he wouldn’t want it any other way.

Now K has picked up a straw from the broom because my floor is dirty, but I get to watch in fascination while he passes it from  hand to hand and gags himself with it.  The children are upstairs dressing up and dancing their little hearts out.  I am grateful.  Sooo very grateful.  Yet, I hurt for those who want, long for what I have.  I am conflicted between being grateful and feeling like I am helping other mothers wish for something else, if that makes any sense.  I don’t want others to mourn.  My heart truly goes out to them.  The best I can do I suppose is be grateful everyday and not let a moment go by that I do not cherish my chance to be home with and to teach my children.

On another note, I attended a womens conference with some friends, one of whom I don’t get to see very often.  She held baby K and in her eyes I saw want and appreciation.  Her husband became ill awhile ago and I believe they will not be having any more children, yet in her eyes I see that desire. She hands him back and in a side breath whispers “You are so very lucky”.

As I continue to have more children this happens more and more often.  Women my age realizing that having more is no longer in the cards for them.  That look that says, “Oh, but I am going to miss this…”.

Or someone will casually mention how very lucky I am to have Matt and how they admire and respect our relationship. How they love watching the way he cares for me and of how I mean the world to him and he shows it every chance he gets.

then it hits me again.  That confused feeling that makes me aware that I have the things that are in the prayers of so many other well deserving women…

All I can do is send a prayer up in their behalf and be grateful for what I have, even though I wish there was more I could do.